This is an in-between post. In between my last blog post and the one I have been working on for 3 weeks in my head and haven’t been able to write. And it makes me mad. It also makes me mad because I know it will happen again. And again…But that’s a good thing, because the one I’ve been trying to write is about anger and the last 3 weeks were so horrible (with one amazing exception) that I couldn’t physically write the “real” one I’m working on now, so it keeps it all relevant! That’s my silver lining in the whole blog writing matter except I won’t be able to keep using this title every three months when my body gets in my way, needing those needles.
So many things and events have occurred that I couldn’t spin into interest for anyone. I refused to torture people with myself in the worst mood and sky high pain levels, making me incapable of sitting, typing, thinking, much less formulating actual words. I’ve had one of three cervical epidurals, frozen water pipes, locked keys and a shih tzu in the “new” car AGAIN (yes, there was another time in that span and I did order one of those hide a key things but I didn’t just write that and no one would find where I put it anyway) the very SAME day at the end (I thought) of a seven hour round trip for cervical dystonia Dysport injections, trying to skirt an impending snow storm but inadvertently causing my dog to get pancreatitis which meant a trip to the doggie ER the next day after the snow AND because I wrote a review for the awesome dude who unlocked my car, got myself into Google+ (plus….plus meaning screwing up ALL my email even worse). There are about 798 OTHER things I don’t even want to begin to think about just for the sake of proving my inability to use my arms to squeeze out even one funny moment, when I suppose there had to be maybe one in three weeks, but I surely can’t think of it at the moment. If I do, I will make a note of it….
I have been so angry with my own disorder dictating my life, while at the same time being completely surprised, honored and proud to no end, as I found out I am a Finalist in two categories for the 4th Annual WEGO Health Advocate Awards! My mind is blown and I am so grateful for the people who nominated and endorsed me, the 64(!) judges who even paid me any attention surrounded by hundreds of amazing health advocates and the fact that I really do care and made a difference in the world and these people I look up to and I don’t even know can feel it, whoa….(Winners announced March 18th). IF I were any “normal” person, I would’ve written a whole post JUST about this, but I couldn’t because my right arm wouldn’t work and it is attached to my neck and it wouldn’t look down. Down is where the keyboard is….and I don’t know how to type without looking because I had to drop out of typing class in high school because of back spasms and couldn’t sit up straight. I made my teacher mad every day and then she felt bad when I was diagnosed with a whole bunch of stuff leaving me in something resembling a straight jacket my whole freshman year. I digress….I was only able to thank Wego on Twitter and make some changes to our website, it felt so inadequate but it’s all I could really do and this too.
I am writing about a subject which has proven to be quite difficult and is challenging my memory, body and my difficulty resolving an emotion I don’t really know how to incorporate into my present life and doesn’t fit into my other more positive and evolved skill set of handling shit. It is not an angry blog, it is a long story about anger and I had to get permission to even write it from my mother because I am using the memories of my childhood to tell a tale most certainly revealing what I have held true for 35 years. In a way, I hope don’t get corrected with facts, I believe in fairy tales and the little kid mind of filling in the gaps when the dots are missing in order to connect.
I am almost finished with the introduction of the next “installment” and I think it’s about as long as this in between post. Its gonna be a LONG one, but it’s flowing faster out of my mind, through my fingers, just as the toxins are starting to flow faster through my physical body, allowing the dam to open…a story of deception and jealousy, of selfishness evolved from inadequacy, a deep look into the past and ending in ashes. Sounds so dark but I’ve smiled so many times already, I think it must be more than about anger.
Maybe the truth will reveal itself in the life of my great aunt, Hala. Hilda (Marie) Frisbee……